The Lament Of Usopp
by Finding-Emo
Summary: This is Usopp. See Usopp run. Run, Usopp, run. It's Valentine's Day on the Merry Go and something very strange has happened. Story better than- Oh, look, just read the damn thing already. The final lament is here! Rejoice, fair Usopp!
1. Chapter 1

**It needed to be written. What more can I say? (Hides in Billy's box)**

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

It was Valentine's Day, although you wouldn't think that to look at the Straw Hat Pirates. There was not exactly a romantic air on the ship; in fact, everybody was just going about their business as usual. However, this state of affairs would not continue for long.

After all, strange things often happen on V-Day…

**(one)**

Usopp strolled idly through the halls of the Merry Go, whistling a severely mangled tune. His stomach rumbled, so he slid into the kitchen with the intent of stealing a snack.

As luck would have it, Sanji was in there too. Usopp mentally prepared a bad excuse for coming into the chef's domain, but before he had time to make his exit, Sanji turned around and saw who the invader was. Immediately, a huge grin spread over his face.

"Usopp-chan!! I was just going to go look for you! Here, I made you something." Instantly, he produced a triple-chocolate brownie.

"Uh, thanks…"

Suddenly, Usopp's brain caught up with his mouth's autopilot.

_Usopp-chan?_

He looked back at the chef, whose cigarette smoke was forming into the shape of a love heart. Usopp said, "_Mmmrmmfff_." (Translation: Oh, _crap._)

All of a sudden, Sanji drew him into a hug and started stroking his hair. Mentally, Usopp tried to think of a way to free himself from the embrace without whacking the cook somewhere on his person. Quickly, he swallowed his mouthful of brownie.

"Usopp-chan, your hair is so soft…"

"I gotta go!"

Sanji gave him a slightly hurt look.

"What? Why?"

"I, uh, promised Chopper that I'd help him, um, sort out his things…"

"Can't he wait?"

Usopp yelped, "No! It's very urgent!"

Sanji gave him a slightly hurt look. "Well, okay, I guess."

"Uh, Sanji. I can't really go if you don't let go of me…"

**(one)**

Usopp hurried away from the kitchen as fast as he could, mental cogwheels turning.

What the hell was _that_ all about?

Sanji had never shown any romantic interest in him before, so why the hell had that just happened?

Usopp fervently hoped that this wasn't going to become a standard thing. If Sanji started treating him like a male Nami on a regular basis, he'd probably have a nervous breakdown or something.

Due to his introspection, he forgot to watch where he was going and ran straight into Nami.

"Can't you watch where you're going, Usopp?"

Ah. So Nami obviously wasn't in the same condition as Sanji. Good.

"Sorry, I was thinking about something else. By the way, do you think Sanji's sick? He's been acting really weird."

"No, he's acting like he usually does. You know. All Nami-chans and declarations of love."

"Oh. Okay."

**(one)**

Nami watched him walk away. She frowned. Come to think of it, Sanji usually declared something he believed to be romantic to her or Vivi around this time of day; however, the cook was nowhere to be seen.

She walked into the kitchen. Sanji was sitting in there, looking slightly dejected. He lifted his head to look at Nami.

"Nami, how long do you think it'll take Usopp to help Chopper organise his things?"

"What? He's not with Chopper."

"Wha- he's not?"

"No."

"He lied to me! He said he was going to help Chopper!"

"What did you expect? He isn't exactly the most honest person here."

Sanji stood up, an odd expression on his face.

"Why would Usopp lie to me?"

"Well, since we're talking about _Usopp_ here…"

"Do you think he could be with Zoro?"  
"Huh?"

Sanji strode towards the door. "What could it be? I must find out!"

He dramatically slammed the door on the way out.

Nami shook her head. Perhaps it would be a good idea to make Chopper check on Sanji's mental health…

**(one)**

Meanwhile on the deck, Usopp was feeling slightly relieved. Nami certainly wasn't doing a Sanji, so perhaps it was just that he'd got a bad head wound. Or brain damage. Or something.

Well, whatever. All he had to do was stay out of Sanji's way, and he'd be fine. Right?

**(one)**

Luffy looked over from his spot on the figurehead of the Merry Go and spotted Usopp. Right away, he ran down the figurehead, onto the deck and sat down beside him.

"Hi, Usopp."

He mumbled, "Hello."

Luffy looked over at him. He seemed a bit distracted. Perhaps he could cheer him up.

"Hey, do you think it's good weather for a swim?"

Cue loud sigh. "Luffy, you can't swim. You sink. Remember?"

Luffy frowned. Usopp sure was grumpy today. He decided to try out a move he'd seen Sanji use once.

Luffy gave a loud, fake yawn, pretended to stretch and put an arm around Usopp's shoulders. Immediately, Usopp stiffened.

_Him too?_

Luckily, or possibly unluckily, Sanji joined the party at that moment, thus saving Usopp from Luffy's awkward attempts to be romantic. However, this was probably not going to end well, judging from the first thing Sanji said.

"LUFFY, YOU TRAITOR! I TRUSTED YOU!!"

"What's the matter, Sanji?"

Sadly, Sanji was not nearly so calm as Luffy.

"I TURN MY BACK FOR ONE SECOND AND THE NEXT MINUTE YOU'RE CUDDLING UP TO USOPP-CHAN!!"

In the background, Usopp choked on his brownie. _Just _how_ long is this Usopp-chan thing gonna go for?!?_

"Relax, Sanji. I'm just talking to him."

"YOU WEREN'T JUST TALKING, YOU HAD YOUR ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDERS AND EVERYTHING!!!"

**(one)**

All the commotion woke up Zoro, who had been having sleeping in the next room over.

He sat up, an irritated look on his face. Couldn't those guys stay quiet long enough for him to have a nana nap?

He decided to go have a look at what all the fuss was about.

**(one)**

Out on the deck, Sanji and Luffy were engaging in a brawl. They were also shouting at one another as an interesting side activity.

"I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU, YOU TRAITOR!!"

"I'M NOT A TRAITOR!!"

Usopp suddenly had a brainwave. Perhaps while they were busy fighting, he could escape!

Quietly, he snuck away from the two brawlers. Now to hope that he could actually find a good hiding place…

He walked into the corridor and instantly stopped in his tracks. Zoro was coming out of the next room up. Usopp sighed. This was not his day at all.

He considered turning around and pretending he hadn't been going that way, but Zoro had already spotted him.

Okay, let's move onto Plan B.

Usopp tried to walk casually past the swordsman, but Zoro grabbed his arm and stopped him. "Hey, Usopp."

"Hi Zoro." _Please, please, _please_ let him be acting like normal._

"What's going on up there?"

"Sanji and Luffy're having a fight."

Zoro gave him a suspicious look. "What're they fighting over?"

"Sanji caught Luffy stealing from the pantry." That was a good lie. Nice and convincing.

Unfortunately, Zoro had got to be very good at spotting when Usopp was lying.

"So how come they're fighting on the deck?"

Usopp swore mentally. He'd been hoping that Zoro wouldn't spot that little plothole. Quick thinking was called for.

"Sanji chased him out of the kitchen."

Zoro gave him another suspicious look. Then his face cleared and he shrugged.

"Okay."

Usopp made another attempt at getting past him. This time, he actually managed it, although Zoro did decide to follow him. (Oh, boy).

As they walked, they started chatting about random things, like where they were going next. Sadly, although Zoro was not nearly as obvious about it Sanji and Luffy, he was still flirting a bit. Naturally, Usopp decided that he'd had enough. As they passed Chopper's room, he said, "Well, I promised that I'd help Chopper sort out his things, so-"

**(one)**

Oh dear. Did you honestly think he'd get away that easily? Well, he didn't.

**(one)**

Usopp was interrupted mid-sentence by Sanji and Luffy bursting through the door. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights, he froze up.

Sanji's train of thought went something like this: Usopp-chan plus Zoro equals (insert swear word here)!! Zoro must die!

Luffy's reaction was far simpler; he just grabbed onto Usopp's arm.

"Hey, Usopp-"

Apparently, today was the big day for interruptions, because Sanji immediately yelled, "Traitors!!" He then turned to Usopp and said, "Usopp-chan, why did you lie to me about helping Chopper?"

Zoro sighed. "Isn't it obvious, fool? It's because he doesn't want to be with you!"

Luffy decided to join in, so he said, "Well then, who does he want to be with?"

Immediately, everybody's attention shifted straight back to Usopp.

Zoro said, "Usopp, who would you rather be with, Sanji, Luffy or me?"

Time for Plan C: Create a diversion and run as fast as you can. "Well…" Usopp turned and ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction, yelling "See ya!" over his shoulder.

As one, the three ran straight after him.

**(one)**

Usopp sat panting in the hold, wedged between two barrels. After a lengthy chase, he'd managed to outrun Sanji, Luffy and Zoro for long enough to hide where they couldn't find him. It had been rather tiring, so his plan of action was to hide here and hope that nobody found him until that freaky _thing_ had worn off. So far, it was working pretty well, aside from the boredom factor. But hey, it was better than being accosted by one of his male crewmates.

Suddenly, he heard the sound of footsteps. He tensed, then relaxed. It was just Vivi.

Vivi caught sight of him and frowned.

"Usopp, what are you doing?"

"I'm hiding."

"What are you hiding from?"

"Sanji, Luffy and Zoro."

A bead of sweat formed on Vivi's forehead. "But why do you need to hide from them?"

Usopp sighed. He was gonna have a _really_ hard time explaining this…

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**(Arg) Sorry about the (insert swear word here) bit and the (one), it's just coz of the stupid site not recognizing the symbols and lines.**

**If enough people review this, I'll write a sequel. Until then, I think I'll stay in Billy's box. Emo out!**


	2. Round 2

Congratulations to all my lovely reviewers, who managed to draw me out of Billy's box

Congratulations to all my lovely reviewers who managed to draw me out of Billy's box. You shall receive a place in the List Of Fawesome People for yo' good deeds (Sweet face).

**(one)**

Vivi blinked twice. Another bead of sweat rolled down her cheek.

"So what you're saying is that Sanji, Luffy and Zoro have all gone nuts over you?"

Usopp said nothing, just nodded.

"But… why?"

Usopp wailed, "That's what I'd like to know!!"

"Do you think there might be something about it in one of Nami's books?"

"I hope so."

Vivi straightened. She'd made up her mind. 

"All right, I'll have a look. You stay here."

"You don't need to tell me twice."

**(one)**

A few minutes later, Vivi was flicking through some of Nami's books, looking for something that could help her work out what was going on with the non-Usopp guys. So far, so unproductive. Then, a passage caught her eye.

It said:

_Seamen passing Illu Atoll should be wary, because its occupants hate sailors to the extent of casting spells on any ship they happen to see. The unfortunate victims never wish to talk about it, as it apparently embarrasses them greatly. However, if you ask the spell casters, they will happily tell you exactly what they do; they spread magics that make all the male members of the ship (bar one) fall madly in love with the unfortunate exception, who will most likely spend their time hiding until the spell wears off._

_This spell has no effect (aside from screwing up the crew members' ability to look at one another straight), but apparently the spell casters take a vindictive pleasure in it and laugh at the victims, whom they watch through a scrying glass. Personally, I have been on the receiving end of it and I was extremely unamused._

_It generally wears off in one day, although victims should note that it could resurge after two months._

Vivi didn't know whether to cover her mouth with shock or laugh out loud.

**(one)**

Meanwhile, Usopp was impatiently awaiting Vivi's return. Then he heard footsteps again. _Ah, she's back._

How wrong can one man be?

Sanji was first in the door- "Usopp-chan!"- quickly followed by Zoro and Luffy.

Usopp looked left. Trapped by a barrel! Usopp looked right. Who put that freaking barrel there? No going forward, the guys are there. Backwards? Nope, the hull's there.

_Oh, crap._

Sanji grabbed his left arm. Zoro grabbed his right arm. Luffy, ever the opportunist, grabbed his leg. They all started pulling.

"AAAAAAAAARGHH!"

"Let go, you two! Can't you see that you're hurting Usopp-chan?"

"You're a fine one to talk!"

"Oi, why aren't you guys letting go?"

**(one)**

Vivi walked into the hold. At once, her brain registered two things:

One: Sanji, Luffy and Zoro had invaded.

Two: They appeared to be playing Usopp-o'-war.

Usopp saw her and shouted, "Vivi, help!! They won't let go!!"

Meanwhile, Sanji and co. were arguing among themselves. "Stop pulling! You're just making it worse!"

"Don't worry, Usopp-chan! I won't let them get you!"

"AAGH! You're gonna dislocate my leg or something!"

Vivi knew she should do something, so she put on her commander voice and shouted, "STOP! Let go of him!"

If anybody else had tried it, they would have been completely ignored. However, since it is an important thing for people to notice when a princess calls for attention, Vivi had been trained to have a 'command' setting on her voice since she'd been able to talk. Therefore, when they heard her, Sanji, Luffy and Zoro immediately stopped, dropped Usopp and paid attention to her. 

Having been released, Usopp wasted no time in jumping up and running away. Sadly, Sanji noticed this, so he shouted, "Wait for me, Usopp-chan!" and ran after him.

**(one)**

Usopp had made it safely up to the deck, despite the nagging feeling that he had one leg longer than the other. Now he was attempting to negotiate the rigging. He was about halfway up. Meanwhile, Sanji and company were trying different tactics. Sanji was pursuing him up the rigging, which had gone well right up until he put his leg through a hole. Somehow, he'd managed to get himself and the rigging tied up in a big knot, which really wasn't helping. Luffy was about to do a Gum-Gum Rocket, and Zoro, for reasons best known to himself, had dived overboard.

Luffy launched and all hell broke loose.

As Luffy passed, Sanji grabbed his leg, which greatly upset Luffy's trajectory. Thanks to this, Luffy went from being about to collide with Usopp to getting tangled up with Sanji. Sadly, one of his feet whipped around and hit Usopp in the face. Hard. 

Thanks to the shock of being kicked in the face, Usopp lost his grip and fell down onto the deck. He had a quick look around, failed to notice the lack of Zoro and jumped overboard. After all, he'd at least have a definite advantage over Luffy, plus Sanji and Zoro ought to be avoidable. Right?

Uhm, no. Remember about a couple of paragraphs back, when Zoro jumped overboard? Guess where Usopp is now…

**(one)**

There was a loud _splash_ behind Zoro, who grinned happily and turned around (not an easy thing to do when you're also trying to stay afloat). As he'd thought, Usopp had dived overboard to avoid the other two. Wouldn't he be happy to see him? (Uhm, LOL…)

As Usopp came up for air, Zoro moved in closer, until he was right next to him. When Usopp surfaced, gasping for air, he slipped his arms around Usopp's shoulders and said, "Hey, Usopp."

At once, Usopp started thrashing around and yelling like he was being attacked or something. Zoro frowned. Perhaps Usopp thought that he was Sanji or Luffy? Then, one of Usopp's feet caught him straight in the face and all he saw for the next few seconds was stars. When he regained use of his eyes, Usopp was madly scrabbling up the side of the ship. Without a rope. 

Zoro frowned. "Hey, Usopp, what are you doing?"

No response. Zoro sighed and started chasing him up the side, with a lot less success. After all, it takes a truly desperate man to do that properly.

**(one)**

Usopp vaulted over the rail and looked around him. Where should he go next and who was the most immediate threat? Not up the rigging, Sanji and Luffy were still trying to untangle themselves from one another. Not back over the side, Zoro was still trying (and failing) to climb the side. Back into the hold? Too obvious. Would Chopper, Nami or Vivi hide him? Jackpot! Perhaps not Chopper. Chopper wasn't affected as far as he knew, but it wasn't worth the risk. After all, nobody wants to get chased by an amorous reindeer.

Straight into the hallway, past multiple doors and into the women's quarters. Nami was sitting on the couch, reading a romance novel. She looked up. "Why are you here, Usopp?"

"Uh… you know how I said Sanji was acting strange?"

"Go on?"

"He's gone crazy!! And so have Luffy and Zoro! Can you help me hide?"

"Sure!"

"Great! Where-"

"BUT! It'll cost you."

That sinking feeling was getting way too familiar to Usopp. He sighed. "How much?"

**(one)**

Usopp lay under Nami's bed, hoping like hell that the other guys didn't decide to check here. Mainly because if they did, he'd have given Nami 500 Berries for nothing. Suddenly, he jerked. Was that footsteps in the next room?

He pulled at the duvet to hide himself better and shivered. This was way too much like a demented game of Hide 'n' Go Tag. Over in the next room, he could hear fragments of speech.

"…Has Usopp… around here?"

"…at all…haven't seen…"

"…absolutely sure…Nami?"

"Absolutely."

"…'Kay."

Phew! Danger's passed. He heard people walking out the door, then he heard Nami's voice.

"They're gone now."

"Oh? That's good."

"You know, I don't think you'll have much trouble hiding from Sanji and Luffy. Zoro, though…"

"Hmm. Hey, is somebody knocking on the door?"

"I'll go have a look."

Nami went into the other room and opened the door. Under the bed, Usopp held his breath.

"Oh, hi, Vivi."

Oh, good. Not Zoro. Meanwhile, in the next room…

"…Usopp…anywhere?"

"Why do…to know?"

"…want him to…know I've…what's wrong with…the other guys."

"You do?"

"Yes, it was…of your books."

Usopp sighed. It'd be really nice if they could just talk a bit louder so that he could hear too…

**(one)**

Outside, in Nami's tangerine grove, Zoro was thinking about what he could do to make sure he had Usopp to himself, and simultaneously sucking his sore fingers. He wasn't bothering to chase him anymore, coz when he did, Usopp just ran away. (He learns faster than Luffy and Sanji, doesn't he?) Perhaps it would be best to convince Usopp that staying with him was preferable to being kidnapped by the other two. Yeah, if he could do that, Sanji and Luffy would hopefully stop bugging them and they could have… err… a _good time _(nudge nudge, wink wink…).

**(one)**

From his position under the bed, Usopp called out, "Hey, do either of you know where Sanji and Luffy are?" He didn't bother to ask about Zoro. After all, he hadn't exactly thrown him a rope or anything.

Vivi jerked, startled. "Is that Usopp?"

Nami smiled. "Yeah, he paid me to hide him under my bed."

For the third time that day, a bead of sweat made its way down Vivi's forehead. Any doubt she had over Nami's moneymaker talents suddenly evaporated.

She raised her voice. "Last time I saw, they were turning their quarters upside-down looking for you."

"Do you think they'll be long?"

"Probably."

"Good." Usopp crawled out from under the bed. "I'm going to go onto the deck to stretch my legs."

Nami shrugged. "Your funeral. Or wedding, possibly."

Usopp rolled his eyes and stepped into the hallway.

**(one)**

Sadly, Vivi's estimate had been very wrong. How can we tell? Easy. We can tell coz when Usopp reached the end of the hallway, the now familiar cry of "USOPP-CHAN!!" reached his ears. This time, he didn't even bother turning around; he just burst through that door as fast as he could.

(one)

Usopp, being slightly sick of this whole run-run-run routine, decided to try going into Nami's tangerine grove and climbing the tallest tree. Nobody could climb a tree like Usopp could. He hid in the leafy branches and snickered quietly to himself, watching Luffy and Sanji run around looking for him. He didn't think anything of the conspicuous absence of Zoro, though it _had_ gotten suspiciously quiet on the sea front.

Then, a hand touched his shoulder._ Zoro._ Of course. Usopp breathed out slowly. "Zoro."

"What's the matter, Usopp? You don't seem very happy."

"You wouldn't be feeling all that great either if Sanji and Luffy were chasing you all over the ship, ya know?!"

"Well, there is a way to stop them …"

"Why do I get the feeling that I'm not going to like this at all?"

Zoro smiled. "It's not that bad. All you need to do is agree to spend the day with me."

_Think up an excuse and think it up fast._

"But they'll probably think you're keeping me against my will and stalk us around everywhere…"

"You know, there's an easy way around that. You just have to kiss me in front of them."

Usopp slumped, the very picture of a broken man. "All right, I'll do it. But only til' the day's up, okay?"

"Gotcha."

**(one)**

Sanji sighed. "Dammit, where is he?"

Luffy said, "Yeah, you'd think he wanted to avoid us or something…"

"Avoid _you_, maybe."

"Shut up! I-"

"USOPP-CHAN!!"

Sure enough, Zoro and Usopp were walking along the deck. A huge smirk was making a special guest appearance on Zoro's face. Sanji, being the sharp-eyed guy he was, spotted that Zoro had snuck his arm around Usopp's waist.

"GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY USOPP-CHAN!!"

"Yeah! Quit molesting him!"

Usopp spoke up. "It's not exactly molesting…

"Wha- What do you mean, Usopp-chan?"

Zoro's grin threatened to split his face in half. "What do you think, shit-cook? It means he agreed to stay with me for the rest of the day."

"B-B-Bubba-bibba-bobba-hob-hobba-hobba-wah-wah…"

Unlike Sanji, Luffy had not turned into a jelly. "Are you lying?"

"No."

"Prove it!"

Usopp went red. He'd been hoping it wouldn't come to this, but it had. He turned to Zoro and kissed him.

"Let's go, Zoro."

Sanji sunk to the deck, twitched and let out a heartbroken howl of anguish

Luffy sagged and said, "If you need me, I'll be in the pantry."

**(one)**

Meanwhile, in the conference room, Nami and Vivi were laughing their pants off (Not literally! Get your mind out of the ditch!). Nami sunk to the floor. "My laugh muscles hurt…!"

Vivi was about to say something, but then Zoro and Usopp walked into the room. Usopp's face was frozen in a rictus of horror.

"That was officially the most embarrassing thing I've ever had to do…"

Zoro chuckled. "I liked it."

Usopp looked at Nami and Vivi, who had to struggle to hold in the laughs. "Please tell me you weren't watching that…"

"WA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!"

"C'mon, Usopp."

**(one)**

At 11:30, the torture was still going. Sanji and Luffy were sleeping peacefully, although Sanji's pillow was saturated with tears. Nami, Vivi and Usopp were out on the deck, sharing a late coffee. Zoro was napping with his head in Usopp's lap, but he woke up every time the unfortunate sniper moved.

Usopp swayed a little. He really wanted to go to bed, but he hated to think what Zoro would think he wanted to do. Every so often, Vivi checked her watch. She leaned forward a bit and whispered to Usopp, "Only half an hour, and then you're a free man."

"What? That long? And anyway, how do you know?"

"It was in one of Nami's books. It's a spell cast by these pirate-hating magicians. It only lasts a day and then those affected by the spell lose all memory of the day, but you won't."

"Guess he'll be having nightmares, then…"

"Oh, and it might come back after two months."

"Whaaaat?!"

"Hm. I'm glad I took pictures while I had the chance."

If it weren't for Zoro, Usopp would've jumped up and strangled her right there.

**(one)**

Lovely and long, wasn't it? It'd probably be longer, but Usopp's locked me in his super-secret dungeon. Review and I shall perpetrate a jailbreak!


	3. The Final Lament

**I give my thanks to the wonderful people who assisted me in my jailbreak from Usopp's super-secret dungeon :). And now for the feature presentation, which was brought to you by R.U.B.B.I.S.H. Productions, Inc: Round Squee!**

**(one)**

Two months had passed since the Valentine's Day incident and thankfully, everything had blown over. Usopp's nightmares had finally gone away, Nami used the pictures she'd taken to blackmail Usopp until he'd raided the women's quarters and put them in Chopper's rubbish bin (which was how Chopper found out about the whole debacle), Usopp put in heaps of little escape routes in case of a repeat, Sanji got jealous of Usopp always sitting between Nami and Vivi at mealtimes and Usopp had eventually had counselling to remove his ZoroSanjiandLuffyophobia, which had obviously been successful, since he was now able to talk to those three without screaming and running away… oh, and they'd saved Alabasta and gained a crewmember. But that obviously wasn't half as important as the other stuff.

All in all, things were pretty much back to normal, and life was sweet.

**(one)**

Oh dear. You didn't honestly think that this pleasant state of affairs would last, did you?

**(one)**

The morning began as usual for Usopp; in other words, at four in the morning.

This may have seemed an unusual time to be awake, but to him it made perfect sense. Sanji wasn't up to stop him from raiding the kitchen for a snack, Luffy wasn't up to badger him about just what this, that and the other actually did and generally screw up his tinkerings, Zoro wasn't up and wouldn't be for ages and Nami wasn't up to 'remind' him about his various debts. All in all, perfect.

The day continued without a hitch until around eight, when Sanji stuck his head around the door to inform him that breakfast was ready.

Usopp raised his head from his latest project. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I said, breakfast's ready."

"Oh… okay. I'll be out in a sec."

"Whatever," murmured the cook as he left.

Usopp carefully finished setting the hinges on the thing, then left for breakfast. Unfortunately for him, however, he was waylaid in the hallway by Nami. He smiled nervously at her, said, "Hey, Nami," and attempted to sidle on by. Sadly for him, Nami gripped his shoulder as he passed and said, "_Just where do you think you're going_?"

He gulped nervously. "Breakfast?"

"Guess again. You've got a debt to pay."

"O-okay…"

To his surprise, instead of demanding he get out his wallet and pay her _right now_, Nami shifted her hold to his wrist and started to lead him away. "You're coming with me."

There was simply no arguing with that voice, and no answer except, "O-okay."

**(one)**

Nami led him into her bedroom and shut the door behind them. Only then did she let go of him. Usopp shot her a nervous look and fumblingly drew his wallet from a pocket in his overalls.

"So, uh, how much…?"

She gave him a predatory smile. "Oh, I'm not interested in _money_, Usopp."

He blinked with puzzlement. "You're not?"

"Oh, no."

"Then what _do_ you want?"

Nami giggled. "I love it when you pretend to be naïve! You're so funny!" she squealed with glee.

Suddenly, she pushed him up against the cabin wall.

"You know what I want, don't you?"

She didn't wait to hear his answer, instead electing to kiss him, long and hard. Through the kiss, he murmured, "Nami…?"

Nami broke the kiss for a moment, pressed a slender finger to his lips and murmured, "Don't speak," before kissing him again. Usopp's heart began to race, tattooing a rhythm against his ribs as she undid the buckles on his overalls. She moved on to his neck, giving him a chance to speak. And speak he did.

Usopp shouted, "I'M GAY!!" as loud as he could.

She stopped in her tracks.

"What? Really_?_"

Shaking with relief, he said, "Yeah, I'm as gay they come. Er, sorry."

"Oh."

Nami drew away from him, looking tremendously embarrassed. She cringed a little.

"S-sorry. You- you can go now. If you want, I mean. Um."

"Okay. Erm, seeya."

**(one)**

Usopp rushed down the corridor, confusion marring his handsome features.

What was _that_ all about?

Vivi had told him the curse could resurge in two months, but she'd never said it'd affect the _girls_ this time around! He supposed it was at least a small mercy that she wasn't here, at least…

**(one)**

Meanwhile, out on the deck, Zoro was helping Vivi aboard. She smiled at him and said, "Thank you, Zoro."

"No problem. Uh, but why are you visiting us today?"

"Oh, no reason really, I just wanted to see Uso- I mean, you guys again."

"Okay."

Luffy walked onto the deck, spotted Vivi and immediately gained a huge grin.

"VIVI!!"

The princess smiled back at him. "Hey, Luffy. Do you know where Usopp is?"

"Yeah, he's in his room… hey, where're you going?"

**(one)**

Below decks, Usopp was vaguely wandering back to his room, breakfast completely forgotten, when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned around and saw Vivi walking down the steps. He smiled distractedly at her.

"Hey, Vivi. I didn't know you were going to come see us."

"Hello, Usopp. To tell the truth, I didn't really know either."

Usopp frowned. Something was definitely wrong with that sentence.

"You didn't?"

"Not properly. I just came on a whim, really. I wanted to see you again."

"Oh, right."

There was an awkward silence for a while, then Vivi spoke.

"I, uh, brought you something. Here-"

She fumbled in her pack for a moment, then brought out a wonderfully crafted slingshot, which she pressed into his hands.

"When you were in Alabasta, I noticed that your slingshot was just about broken, so I thought you might like…" she trailed off lamely.

Usopp took it and tucked it into the sash at his waist. "Thanks, that's really kind of you. Um."

Vivi smiled with relief and took his hand. "Please, don't mention it." She then leaned across and kissed him gently on the lips. Usopp's brain promptly switched to panic mode, which made his mouth go into lies mode.

"Uh, hey, Vivi, I like you too and everything, but I, uh, I need some time to think this over, if that's okay?"

She frowned a little, but said, "Um, sure. Yeah, that's all right."

He walked up the stairs and out of sight.

**(one)**

Usopp stepped onto the deck and quite literally walked into Robin.

The archaeologist blinked. "Ah… Usopp. I was just about to go look for you."

A disembodied hand squeezed his.

Oh, not her too…

At that moment, Vivi opened the door and looked at the archaeologist, holding hands with the sniper. Her face slowly fell.

"Usopp? Robin? Wha…?"

Robin seized Usopp and pulled him close to her, squashing his face into her ample cleavage.

"He's mine, princess."

Vivi's normally serene countenance twisted up into rage. "Ohh, _no!_" she hissed, "I asked him first!" As if to stake her claim, she grabbed the unfortunate youth around the waist.

Just to add to the confusion, Nami walked around the corner and into this little debacle.

She gasped with shock. "Get _off_ him, you little hussies!" she yelled.

Robin turned toward the navigator, hands (or at least, the ones attached to her body) firmly on hips. "Oh, look who's talking! As if _you're _any better than everybody else!!"

"_Please_, let me go…"

Without letting go, Vivi shouted, "You two may as well forget it, 'cause I've got first dibs on him!"

Nami gave a short bark of laughter. "Wake up and smell the shit, girls, coz there's no changing his preferences, if you know what I mean!"

"Maybe there is!"

The navigator shook her head and stared at Vivi in amazement. She asked her, "Do you _really_ honestly think you can turn him straight?! _Really?"_

Both Robin and Vivi let go in shock.

**(one)**

One room below, Chopper jumped with shock as he heard a synchronized shout of, "USOPP'S GAY?!"

**(one)**

Having jumped at the chance that the girls had so readily (albeit unsuspectingly) given him, Usopp was, once again, hiding in the tangerine grove. Robin, Vivi and Nami, having decided that he'd lied about his sexuality, were out on the deck looking for him. In the meantime, the other male members of the crew were below decks, having a hurried discussion about Usopp's gender preferences.

Luffy, looking quite confused and a little hurt, said, "But if he was, wouldn't he have told us?"

Zoro replied, "Maybe not. People can be pretty cruel about that kind of thing, and his village was a bit backwater…"

Sanji, determined not to agree with Zoro, said, "Yeah, but it was the girls who said it, right? Maybe they were just getting it a bit twisted."

Chopper blinked. He'd never even thought of guys liking guys before! Reindeer never really thought about that kind of thing, and Hiriluk and Kureha had never mentioned anything of the sort, so this was pretty much the first time he'd heard anything about it…

Meanwhile, Sanji was asking a queer question.

"Okay, suppose he really is gay, well…"

"Well what?"

"Do you suppose that's why he keeps hanging around the kitchen so much? Because he's got a crush on me?"

Zoro snorted. "Don't flatter yourself, shit-cook."

They burst into a heated argument that went unheard by Chopper, whose mental gears were still grinding at near-audible level.

**(one)**

Luffy, who had quickly got bored of watching Zoro and Sanji fight, wandered up to the tangerine grove, where he spotted Usopp hiding in his tree. He frowned and wandered over to the tree.

He called up to the sniper, "Oi, Usopp, are you gay?"

Usopp's eyebrow twitched. Luffy just _had_ to go and say that. To his dismay, he spotted the girls coming for him at full speed. He jumped out of the tree, looked at Luffy, said, "Look, we'll talk about it later, okay?" and ran off at full speed.

**(one)**

Usopp ran down the hallway and into Sanji, who immediately asked him, "Are you gay?"

The sniper gritted his teeth, grabbed Sanji by the shoulders and hissed, "Look, I don't have time for this right now!" at the same time as he whirled around and pushed the cook straight into Robin, who had got down the stairs before the other two.

He ran through the corridor and into the conference room, where he encountered Chopper. He rushed over to the little reindeer and said, "Chopper, for some reason the girls are after me, so can you stay in here for a bit and buy me some time? Thanks."

Without waiting for an answer, he bolted through the other door…

… straight into a dead end.

**(one)**

Meanwhile, back in the previous room, Chopper was attempting to hold the girls off, though not with much success; he had cuts from Vivi's Peacock Slashers all over his torso, Nami had repeatedly shocked him with the Clima-Tact and Robin was preparing an attack.

Suddenly, eight pairs of arms burst out of thin air and hoisted him off the ground, kicking and struggling, and threw him to the far wall. His instinct for self-preservation finally outweighed his loyalty to Usopp, and he lay still, pretending to be unconscious.

The ladies walked past his prone form and through to the next room-

-which had a marked absence of Usopp.

Vivi sighed. "Damn! He must've gone to a different room."

Robin narrowed her eyes at the princess and said, "What makes you think that, _Vivi_?"

"You know what he's like. He's as sneaky as a… a sneaky thing."

This time, it was Nami's turn to be suspicious. "Maybe, but why should we trust you?"

"Because I've come to the conclusion that it's better to catch him first, then worry about who gets him. Besides, if we do that, the worst case scenario's that we have to share him."

The archaeologist frowned for a moment, then shrugged. "Fine by me."

They then left the room, with the exception of Vivi, who made like she was leaving the room with the other two, then quickly re-entered the room and began pulling the cupboards open, searching for the elusive sniper.

**(one)**

For the moment, Usopp himself was one floor below, having escaped via a cleverly hidden trapdoor that he'd installed after the last amorous escapade. Now he was in a miscellaneous room, explaining a few things to Zoro.

"…So let me get this straight: the girls are _really_ obsessed with you for some reason, and you're trying to escape from them."

Usopp nodded eagerly. "Yeah, that's right."

"And I'm going to help you get them off."

"Well, if you agree, yeah."

Zoro raised an eyebrow at the young marksman and said, "By kissing you in front of the girls."

Usopp grinned nervously. "That's the plan."

"And I should do this, _why_?"

"Because if you don't, I'll ask Sanji."

Zoro straightened up immediately. "All right. Where do you think the girls'll be?"

**(one)**

As it happened, the aforementioned girls were up on the desk, quizzing Sanji and Luffy about where Usopp could be hiding. Currently, they were having no luck; in fact, Sanji, for once, was not paying full attention to the girls. In fact, he appeared to be looking at something behind them…

"Sanji! SANJI!"

He made an odd noise that sounded something like, "Ghee…"

Nami frowned. "Just what're you looking at, anyway?"

Sanji said nothing, merely raising a pointing finger. The women turned to look and immediately adopted various expressions of shock as they laid eyes upon Zoro and Usopp, who were leant against a wall, making out (to say the least).

Their reactions were varied.

Robin's eye twitched, and she retreated down the stairway sniffling. Nami burst into tears and ran away. Sanji ran after her, shouting, "Nami, Nami, wait!" Luffy, however, cracked a large smile and said, "I didn't know you liked Usopp, Zoro!"

Meanwhile, Vivi seemed to be going through the motions of fangirling.

**(one)**

Later, long after all the others had gone to bed, Usopp was toying with the thing he'd started working on that morning, before the incident with Nami. Funnily enough, however, he was soon interrupted by a knock on the door. Silently praying that it wasn't Nami or Robin (Vivi had left a while ago), he called out, "It's open."

As a little mixed blessing, Zoro stepped through the door.

"Oh! Uh, hi, Zoro. What're you here for?"

"I wanted to talk to you. About today, I mean."

_Oh, no…_

Faking nonchalance, he said, "What about today?"

Strangely enough, Zoro actually seemed a little embarrassed. He paused for a moment, then said, "We're docking on Jaya tomorrow. Do you want to go somewhere then? Uh, on a date, I mean…"

He blinked. "Uh, sure, I guess."

This day just kept getting stranger and stranger…

**(one)**

They never did get to go on that date, but that's a story for another day.

**(one)**

* * *

**Bawgh… Zoro was WAY out of character. I would fix if I knew howww :C**

**This is officially the last Lament Of Usopp, BUT if you've got a crew that's been on the Grand Line that you'd like to see Lamentified, flick us a review or a PM and I'll get right on it :D**

**On a separate note, does anybody know a synonym for kiss? I can't find one :C**


End file.
